Government to launch community chest fund

This morning ministers said investors should not pass go on this opportunity as the plastic hotel industry is experiencing a period of growth.

The government will launch a community chest fund to support the increased supply of Monopoly houses.

This morning ministers said investors should not pass go on this opportunity as the plastic hotel industry is experiencing a period of growth.

The announcement has been applauded by groups representing aspiring hotel owners, from Park Lane to the Old Kent Road.

A spokesman said: “This government is committed to helping hardworking individuals grow their monopoly property portfolios.

“If you worked hard to attain a two or three property colour group, we don’t want you to 'miss a go' because there are not enough houses for you to expand.

“We are therefore going to open a ‘community chest’, in order to source more red plastic and increase the supply of monopoly houses.

“We are also announcing a new Help-to-Hotel Savings ISA, which will give aspiring hotel owners the chance to save money for investing in hotels, thus freeing up houses already on existing colour monopolies.”

Manufacturers of monocles and metal dogs have seen stock prices soar since the announcement.

However, opponents of the policy said the government is being short-sighted, suggesting this will only help families who have been able to attain colour group monopolies through lucky dice rolls.

In worst-case scenarios investors could also go 'straight to jail, without passing go' - a serious consequence indeed.

The government has also announced plans to commit additional funding for investment in flood defences.

The intensity of recent winter storms, particularly in the North, has revealed that using £1 coins to stack monopoly houses may not be a structurally sound long-term approach as was previously believed.