T'was the night before Christmas-2009,
With 12 months having passed, it was finally time.
To pen this Christmas poem, and recap the past year,
So I sat by the fire and cracked open a beer.
Last Christmas, if you recall, we were watching the clock,
Awaiting a new president, by the name of Barack.
For he had won last year's bout, over McCain he came sailin',
No surprise when you consider the factor named Palin.
And when Barack Obama, into office was sworn,
With almost half the nation feeling disdain and scorn,
Finally the man who had pledged hope and change,
Would be our 44th President, although his name did sound strange.
Within weeks, while our new Pres was still embryonic,
He went to work on a bill of stimuli economic.
Republicans said NO, but they looked kind of nuts,
All singing in harmony: "Three Cheers for Tax Cuts!"
The bill provided millions for re-seeding the Mall,
And for condoms, and solar, so global warming would stall.
I knew Barack's promise of jobs was no whim,
I just hadn’t realized they'd all be working for him.
Running Treasury would be Geithner, what's a little tax evasion?
When I first saw him I thought: "No one could be more Caucasian."
He had to keep the banks open, in case you hadn't heard.
Without "Nationalization," this year's dreaded 'N' word.
GM finally went BK, and it was such a bummer.
Recession or not, Americans do love their Hummer.
But while Fannie & Freddie were the only ones lending,
It would soon be apparent that most folks would stop spending.
Throughout most of the year we pumped cash never ending,
So banks would be healthy, or so we'd be pretending.
There was Citi, and Wells, B of A, and then Chase,
They were "too-big-to-fail," they said with a straight face.
And finally Obama spoke of the plan known as HAMP.
When it came to speeches he was the undisputed champ.
He said his plan would save millions from being foreclosed,
But most homeowners say that they just plain got hosed.
Obama said loan modifications were free!
You could just call your bank, and for loan mods press '3'.
But the banks had their own way of handling things,
Only answering phones after 10,000 rings.
Tim Geithner decided he would not let us see,
The formula whose initials were N-P and V.
I now knew this administration would taketh the cake,
When they said "transparent," they meant extra opaque.
Unemployment kept rising each day after day,
While the left thought "asked soldiers" should tell when they're gay.
The banks kept reporting on their loan mod mail-outs,
I suppose so that Geithner would not stop the bailouts.
As the summer progressed and foreclosures climbed higher,
I learned that Tim Geithner was a talented liar.
Between Geithner and Bernanke it was hard not to scoff,
Like getting your forecasts from Bernie Madoff.
Timmy G. changed accounting, yes he was a bank's friend,
So when banks incurred losses they'd just extend or pretend.
Their balance sheets started to look better to best,
Regardless how they'd scored on their secret stress tests.
Then throughout the summer it was health care at odds,
Would the public option cover the death squads?
Republicans screamed socialism from atop the highest hill,
And that was six months before there was a bill.
T’was Bill Clinton to the rescue, for two in North Korea.
He just walked up to Kim Jong Il and said "Hi, nice to see ya’.
They asked me to come, to share my wisdom in pearls,
And besides I'm experienced at picking up girls.”
Still homeowners kept trying to go the extra mile.
But instead of a break they'd get tribulation and trial.
People started to wonder if Barack still had a plan,
'Cause he seemed more concerned with Afghanistan.
And even though our Pres received the Nobel Prize,
His star started fading in quite a few teary eyes.
For Ben “Greenshoots” Bernanke the recession would soon end,
Proving that truth he had learned how to bend.
Then up on the roof there arose such a clatter.
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter.
And what my eyes saw looked positively sillary,
In a red Santa suit, t’was a Clinton named Hillary.
What happened to Santa, I asked so politely.
Didn’t want to make waves, so I thought I'd tread lightly.
She said: "I was sent out to spread American cheer,
And by the way, who did you cast your vote for last year?"
While around the world soldiers still huddled in bunkers,
Here at home we were all getting cash for our clunkers.
Santa said he had presents for all, I said: "Thanks!"
Then he winked as he whispered "And lumps of coal for the banks."
And when I saw what Santa left me there under the tree,
It read: Bonuses Cut to $0 at AIG!
I said: "Thank you Santa," as he flew out of sight.
And I said “Merry Christmas,” and I turned off the light.
As I drifted to sleep, I dreamed the crisis foreclosure,
Would finally receive the much deserved exposure.
Now I knew I'd love Christmas, even though I am Jewish.
I couldn't wait to see Santa go after Dimon, Stumpf, Blankvein and Lewis...
HO, HO, HO!
Merry Christmas & Happy Hanukah!