Well, we can’t help you with any of that...
But if you’re feeling like a bit of a Valentine Grinch, or just need a bit of a chuckle, have a read of these Valentine’s Day flops.
1. A sad bunch
Want to get your partner some their favorite flowers this V-day but don’t want to seem cliché? How about a nice bouquet of rotting roses? Composting carnations? Partially-expired pansies? A slight wilt and just a touch of mold can add a distinctive touch to this classic gift, according to company Dirty Rotten Flowers.
2. Robot romance
Hopeless romantic but a little lacking in the literary stakes? Instantly bring out your inner Shakespeare with this Automatic Love Poem Generator
, crafting such gems as “when I am near you my heart goes like a raging bull” and “being with you, one plus one equals three”. Beautiful…
3.A fast food affair
Nothing says romance like a plate of pork sliders and hash browns. Fast food restaurant White Castle, - the place “made famous for late-night cravings” - offers tableside service, flowers and candlelight for starry-eyed burger fans. They'll even upload photos of your enchanted evening, pork sliders and all, onto their website.
4. V-day selfies
Yeah, yeah. It’s about the ‘joy of giving’, blah blah blah. But why stop there when you can enjoy the gift of giving AND the gift of receiving, without even having to rely on anybody else. According to the latest survey, over eight million American’s plan to buy themselves a Valentine’s gift this year. If you want something done right, sometimes you just have to do it yourself. Which leads me to…
5.Fake it ‘til you make it
Jealous of your friends’ loved-up Facebook status’ and never-ending mushy Valentine’s updates? Think if you hear “Oh my god how did I get so lucky? I have the best husband/girlfriend/friend with benefits in the world” one more time you’ll gag? Now you can keep up with the virtual Jones’, without actually having to deal with that ‘whole relationship thang’. NamoroFake.com has a catalogue of Facebook profiles for lease and can instantly set your up with the virtual partner of your dreams, hassle-free. Choose between packages from a quick 3-day fling to a full-on, relationship status changing affair, complete with daily loving comments on your Facebook timeline.
6. The St Valentine Split
What better time of year to tell your spouse you’re just not that into them? Better yet, get Michigan lawyer Walter Bentley to do it for you and it won’t cost you a cent. Bentley ran a romantic Valentine’s Day contest on his website, offering to settle all the paperwork for the lucky man or lady who told “the most compelling and convincing story” as to why they need to split with their Valentine.
7. The Hamm-O-Gram
Flowers. Chocolates. Teddy bears. Jon Hamm’s face. All perfect Valentine’s gifts. One company is offering uniquely crafted “Hamm-O-Gram” cards featuring the handsome mug of Mad Men’s Don Draper, accompanied by an individualized message “tailored for maximum sexiness”.
8. A shreddin’ good time
Time to remove jealousy from your relationship? This Valentine’s Day you and/or your significant other can take part in one of a number of “ex-shredding” events, where heartbroken romantics put photographs of their old lovers through shredding machines. Lovely.
Got your own nightmare Valentine’s gift story? Share your thoughts below.
Hoping for a bit of office romance this Valentine’s Day? Stuck on what to get your significant other or how to gain the affections of that cutie you’ve had your eye on?